Holiday from Rules?
NOTE: All of Linkara's dialogue is voiceovered. (The title "HOLIDAY from RULES?" appears on the screen) Linkara: I love how the title is uncertain about this. Is it a holiday from rules? (The camera pans over to a group of four kids, two boys, one named Jim and one named Mark, as will be mentioned later, and two girls, one named Penny and one named Jean, also as will be mentioned, looking quite agitated) Jim: Walk, don't run! Penny: Now, don't talk back! Mark: Slow down! Jean: Be careful! Jim: Get back in line! Linkara: Give sanctions more time! Penny: Don't you know it's against the rules to leave the school grounds without permission? Jim: Rules! All the time, rules! Linkara: Burn down the government! Anarchism all the way! Jim: I'm sick of 'em! Mark and Jean: You said it! Penny: I wish there were no rules. Mark: Yeah, then you could do anything you wanted to. Linkara: (as Mark) I wouldn't have to take acting lessons. Jean: Nobody could tell you what to do. Offscreen voice: Excuse me for interrupting, boys and girls, but maybe you would like to find out just what it would be like if there were no rules. Jim: But how could we do that? Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Well, you see, son, I'm the Devil. Offscreen voice: By going someplace where there are no rules. Mark: You'd have to go someplace where there are no teachers or policemen or... or anybody else to tell you what to do! Linkara: (imitating Mark) What to do! Jim: Aw, there's no such place. Offscreen voice: You're right. Anywhere you go, wherever there are people, you'll find rules. Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Well, good night! Offscreen voice: But maybe there is a way we could go to a place without rules. Kids: How? Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Come with me to Hell, children! Offscreen voice: By using our imagination. Let's all think real hard, and pretend we're in a faraway place. (kids do so) Linkara: Asking these kids to think really hard is probably asking too much. Offscreen voice: A place no people had discovered yet. Penny: Now, where could that be? Jim: (a thought bubble of a snow-covered North Pole appears over him) Maybe at the North Pole. Linkara: North Pole: artist rendering. Mark: No. People have been there. Anyway, it's too cold there to be any fun. Linkara: Yeah, you can't have fun in cold places. Living in Minnesota, I would know. Jean: (a thought bubble of a cartoonish tropical island appears over her) Maybe an island, somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Offscreen voice: All right, a make-believe island. Now, let's all pretend real hard. (Animal sounds are heard, as the kids all find themselves on this island; Linkara snickers) Offscreen voice: And here we are, the first people to ever be on this island... Linkara: Uh, kids, can you imagine a little bit harder than this? Offscreen voice: ...because... (cartoon sharks swim in the cartoon waters) well, let's say this island is surrounded by man-eating sharks. Okay, there are no rules here! You can do anything you wish! (the kids all cheer) Linkara: Yes, anything you wish, as long as it involves cardboard trees, animated sharks, and black purgatories. Penny: What'll we do? Jim: Let's explore! Mark: Okay, let's go! Jim: (pointing toward tree) Let's go this way! Mark: All right. (They go deep into the jungle and look around) Jean: Gee, there's nothing to do around here. Penny: Hey, let's play follow the leader! (raises arm in air) Kids: (raising their arms) Me! Penny: I'm leader! Mark: No, I am! Penny: I said so first! Linkara: And thus, the two-party system was formed. (Penny leading the way, the kids all hop away down the road; they come across a fallen log; Penny hops over the log, but Jim simply steps over it) Penny: You missed, Jim! Go to the end of the line! Jim: Who said so? Penny: That's the way you play. It's a... a... Offscreen voice: A rule, Penny? Linkara: (as Penny) Shut up, old man, I'm talking! Penny: Well... I guess so. Offscreen voice: But we have no rules. So it doesn't matter if Jim follows the leader or not. Jean: Oh... Let's play some other game, one where maybe rules aren't so important. Linkara: Dudes, Calvinball! Mark: How about hide and seek? Kids: NOT IT! Jean: Not it. Jim: You're last, Jean, you're it. Jean: I don't wanna be it. Jim: Okay... Linkara: (imitating Jim) Okay... Jim: (pointing at the others) Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe, if he roars let him go, O-U-T spells (?). (lands on Jean) Mark: You're still it, Jean! Jean: But I don't want to be it! Jim: But you've gotta! Linkara: It's Ape Law! Penny: No, she said so, because that's the rule. Jim: Then who's gonna be it? Linkara: (as Jim) Who's gonna be it? Mark: Okay, I'll be it. (points toward a tree) Here's home. (leans into tree, covering his face on it) One, two, three, four... six, eight, ten, here I come, ready or not! (Mark starts looking around as jungle sounds are heard) Linkara: Huh, according to that sound, the Horrors of Party Beach are also on this island. (Mark finds Jean and they both run back toward the home tree; Mark touches it with one hand and pushes Jean back with the other) Mark: One, two, three, Jean! Jean: That isn't fair! You can't hold me so I can't reach home! Mark: (arms crossed) Why not? There's no rule says I can't. Jean: Then there's no rule says you caught me either. Linkara: They were married later that week. Mark: (touching tree) One, two, three, Penny! One, two, three, Jim! Jim: You didn't see us! (he and Penny come out from hiding) Mark: I don't have to, we don't have any rules. Jim: Boy, it's no fun playing if everybody just does what they want to! Linkara: (as Jim) Well, doggone it, I'll just keep talking like this, boy howdy! Penny: Isn't there any game we can play that doesn't have any rules? Offscreen voice: All games have rules. Without rules, there would be no games. Linkara: (as offscreen voice) How about a game of "Shut up, the narrator's trying to sleep!" (The kids walk off, then the two girls discovers some seashells by the shore) Penny: Oh, what beautiful seashells! (she and Jean kneel down to pick them up) Linkara: Yeah, seashells exist, despite the lack of an actual sea, or animal life to inhabit the shells. Penny: I'm going to string some together and make a necklace. Jean: Me, too. Are there enough? Penny: I don't know. Jean: Hope there's not too many. Mark: (calling out from offscreen) Hey! Come here! (The girls frantically pick up all the shells in their dresses, then go over to Mark) Mark: (holding up a hamster) I found a mouse! Linkara: (snickering) Oh, no... Jim: That's not a mouse, that's a hamster. Mark: Oh... (strokes hamster) Penny: Isn't he cute? Linkara: (as hamster) Oh, God, I don't wanna be here! Where are you kids gonna put me?! Mark: Its fur is real soft. Jean: (reaching out to grab hamster) Let me hold him! Jim: (also reaching out) No, let me! Penny: (also reaching out) No, me! (they all fight over the hamster) Mark: No! Linkara: Oh, God! Mark: Go find your own mouse! Jim: (looking into camera) He's being selfish. Offscreen voice: True, but there's no rule that he should share. Jim: Yeah, that's right. But there's no rule that says I can't take him either! (They all start fighting over the hamster again) Mark: Lay off! He's mine! Jean: Give him to me! Give me! Linkara: (as hamster) Oh, God, just put me out of my misery now! The crew hasn't fed me in three weeks! (During the scuffle, Mark lowers down the hamster toward the ground to keep it away from the others) Mark: Look out, you'll hurt him! He's mine! (Low enough to the ground now, the hamster wriggles out of the kids' grasp and scurries away) Linkara: (as hamster, as it scurries away) FREEDOM! Mark: Now see what you did! He's gone! Jean: You tore my dress, Jim! You better fix it! Jim: Aw, don't be salve!* Linkara: "Don't be salve"? Is that what he said? *NOTE: Jim probably meant to say "selfish". (Jean notices several of the shells she and Penny collected are on the ground and broken; Penny is grabbing all the ones not broken) Jean: Hey! (trying to grab at some of Penny's shells) Leave my shells alone! Penny: (pulling her hand and her shells away) These are mine! Your stuff's broken! Jean: (as she and Penny fight over the shells) That's not so, you're just taking all the good ones and leaving me the broken ones! Penny: Well, there's only enough left for one necklace, and I got there first! (Penny gets to her feet with her shells, as does Jean, and they continue to struggle over the shells) Linkara: Huh, guys are always telling me about how great it is seeing women wrestling with each other, but somehow I don't quite get the appeal. Jean: That's stealing! Give him back! If I can't have them, you can't have them either! (Jean grabs at Penny's shells and they fall on the ground; Jean then stomps on the ground, smashing the shells; Penny stomps her feet in a tantrum, also smashing the shells) Jean: Now see what you did! They're all broken! Penny: Well, it's your fault! You tried to take mine! Jean: I did not! Mark: (he and Jim are observing the ordeal) Gee, that was silly, wasn't it? (Jim nods) They wasted all their shells. (looks into camera) Now nobody can have a necklace. Linkara: (as Mark) I'm talking to you, audience. Offscreen voice: Yes, but that's what happens when there are no rules about taking or wasting things. Jim: (looking up at a palm tree, seeing some coconuts) Look! What are those round things? Mark: Coconuts. Jim: Let's climb up and get them. Mark: Not me. That's too high. Bet you couldn't climb up there, either. Jim: Bet I could! (goes over to tree trunk and starts climbing) Linkara: (singing) I'll... make a man... out of you! Jean: He'd better be careful, or he'll fall and get hurt. Penny: Let him. There's no rule that says he can't kill himself if he wants to. Linkara: OH, GOOD GOD!! (Suddenly, just when he reaches the top and is about to grab a coconut, Jim loses his grip and falls; upon hitting the ground, face-down, the other kids rush over) Mark: Gee, Jim, what happened?! Penny: Jim, all you all right?! (The other kids start to move Jim, but suddenly, he becomes quite pained as he holds out his right arm) Jim: Oh, my arm! It feels like it's broken! Linkara: (as Jim) Here, let me wave it around a whole lot to show how it's broken! Penny: Gee, maybe you should go to the doctor. Mark: What doctor? There isn't any here. Jim: (looking into camera) Couldn't we have a doctor? Offscreen voice: A doctor would only make rules, like keep your arm bandaged until it gets well. Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Or, rule #1: the doctor lies. Offscreen voice: Sorry, no rules, no doctors. Mark: What'll we do? Linkara: Let's chop him up and use him for food! (Suddenly, Jean tears off some of Jim's shirt) Jim: What do you think you're doing?! Jean: Playing nurse and trying to fix your arm. Jim: What do you know about it?! Jean: Nothing, but somebody's got to do something. Jim: Lay off! Penny: This is no fun. I'm going swimming. Linkara: Oh, God, I hope they don't go into Child-Bright territory with this! (Meanwhile, Jean has finished tearing up Jim's shirt and using it as a sling for his arm, while Penny goes out to the water) Mark: (calling out to Penny) Hey, stupid! (Penny turns and looks at him) Don't you remember there are sharks in the water? (Sharks are indeed swimming around in the water; their fins are visible on the surface, and one even jumps up out of the water briefly) Linkara: (as Penny) Yeah, I figured it's best for me to just end it now. Penny: Oh, I forgot. Mark: Nobody goes swimming, see? Offscreen voice: Isn't that a rule, Mark? Mark: No, that's just common sense. Linkara: (as offscreen voice) You win this round, Mark, but the day will be mine! Offscreen voice: So are other safety rules! What's the difference between not going in the water, where sharks might bite you, and not running out in the street, where cars might hit you? Mark: Okay, let her go ahead if she wants to. (he and Penny walk back over to Jim and Jean) Boy, I'm hungry. Other kids: Me, too. Jean: What'll we do about eating here? Offscreen voice: Well, there are no parents here to make rules like, "You must be home for dinner by six." Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Being home for dinner by a certain time automatically means the food will be available. Offscreen voice: So I guess it's up to you. Mark: Hey, Jim, didn't you knock down a coconut when you fell? Jim: I think so, but I don't remember. Linkara: (as Jim) I think I might have a concussion or something... Wait, where the hell are we? (Penny picks up a coconut and looks at it, then Jean comes by and snatches it away to look at it) Jean: How do you get it open? Mark: (snatching coconut away) Here, give me! Linkara: (as Mark) Here, let's hit it on Jim's head a few times! (Mark looks around, then looks down at the ground) Mark: Like this! (He raises the coconut in the air, then slams it down on a rock on the ground; it shatters open, splattering coconut milk and coconut shell pieces everywhere. The kids all fight each other for all of the pieces of coconut) Jean: Get out of the way! Penny: Give me some! Mark: Ow! Give me some! Jean: Get some yourself! (Penny, having grabbed some pieces for herself, sits down) Jim: (unable to grab some pieces himself because of his arm) Give me some! Come on, give me some! (Penny ignores him and devours a huge chunk of coconut, as the others do) Linkara: (as Penny) Mmm, food poisoning! Om-nom-nom! Offscreen voice: Isn't it fun to have a nice meal with your friends with no rules! (kids continue to yell "Give me some!" while they eat) Nobody to say you have to wash up or be courteous or use good manners. In fact, I don't believe we've heard anyone say "please" or "thank you" since we've been on this island. Linkara: (as offscreen voice) And you'll be here for what's left of your miserable lives, kids! Offscreen voice: Well, boys and girls, how do you like living without rules? Jean: I hate it! Mark: This is no fun. Jim: It stinks. Linkara: (as Penny) I don't know, I kinda like it so far. Offscreen voice: Well, what can be done about it? Mark: Guess if we're going to have any fun, we'd better make some rules. Jean: We'll have to. Jim: We sure do. Penny: When we need them. Offscreen voice: What kinds of rules do you need? Linkara: Never feed them after midnight? Jean: Rules that make things fair for everybody. Mark: And safety rules to keep us from getting hurt. Penny: We should make a rule that sharks can't bite us. Then we can all go swimming. (The other kids laugh) Linkara: (also laughing) We're gonna sacrifice you to the island gods first, Susie! Mark: And you can be the one to tell the sharks about it. Offscreen voice: I'm afraid that wouldn't be a good rule, Penny. Rules only work when those they are meant for understand them and know why they should be obeyed. Linkara: Sharks do not obey the laws of man. Penny: Oh. Well, how about courtesy rules? Jean: Yeah. Mark: Yeah, we need lots of rules, so let's get going and make some. Linkara: We'll create a dictatorship and impose our will upon the world! Jim: Hey! Instead of making up a lot of rules, why don't we go home, where we already have them? Mark: Okay! Jean: Absolutely! Offscreen voice: All right, since we only pretended we were here, all we have to do is... unpretend. (The island disappears) Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Except you were all in the Matrix, so Jimmy's arm is still broken! Offscreen voice: And we're back where we started. Now we have rules again. Do you think you can be happy about rules now? Kids: Sure! Linkara: (as offscreen voice) Great, enjoy when your house gets taken away for eminent domain, kids! Mark: As long as we remember that rules are to make things better for everybody. Jim: Yeah. Then, if you don't understand a rule, find out why the rule was made. If you really know why, then it will probably make sense. Linkara: Or at least it'll make sense to the asshole politician who proposed it. (The film ends, and the following phrase pops up: "The End – a Portafilms production written & directed by Wm. H. Murray with the cooperation of the Walled Lake (Michigan) Schools") Linkara: Obey the rules, kids, or else your childhood will end in misery, and a Lord of the Flies-esque scenario will ensue. Kill the pig and drink its blood, kids! Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Linkara Riffs Category:Transcripts